The Importance of Teaching Your Player to Deal with Competition

Though competition for adults is often about more substantive matters, competition is most intense and pronounced in kids. Every day, kids compete to:

• Be the first ready for school


• Get the largest dessert


• Win at a video game


• Be the first in line


• Get the best grade


• Get the best spot in the cafeteria


• Get the attention of the opposite sex


• Get a greater share of parental attention


• Get into the best school


• Get a job (or avoid a job)


• Be selected for a team

Competition is best understood when there is a clear opportunity to win or to lose. When it comes to youth sports, competition often becomes synonymous with winning the game. Yet, this simple translation of success may often cause more problems than it solves.

A single minded pursuit of victory in a game may often translate into problems in relationships with teammates or others. Players who are only focused on winning the game may:

• Lash out at teammates


• Throw equipment


• Argue with referees or coaches


• Show moments of intense anger


• Lie or cheat


• Play unfairly

The dictionary defines the word competitive as “Showing a fighting disposition”. A fighting disposition is a great thing to have against opponents, but it may sometimes be hard to quickly turn off when dealing with teammates, referees or a sibling.

Competing is a Life Skill
Parents need to help their child understand the process of competing. Competition may show itself in many ways other than just a strong desire to win a game. Parents can focus kids on a broader understanding of competition, such as competing against past performances or winning in multiple areas.
Parents can help their kids:

• Understand what they are competing to achieve (be the best player, be a team leader, make the smartest plays)


• Understand how to apply their competitive spirit with their friends and teammates


• Understand that winning at all costs has consequences (hurt feelings, resentments, loss of respect)


• Understand that a win achieved unfairly is not a victory


• Understand that other kids may not show competitive spirit the same way


• Understand when not to be competitive at all

Winning is more than a scoreboard. It takes parents to help kids understand the differences. Like all other life skills, helping kids find balance is essential to a lifetime of success.

Editor’s Note: Thank you to Sports Esteem for this article.

Why They Play, Why They Quit, Why It Matters

More than 40 million American youth participate in school and community based sports each year, however, most drop out at or around age 13. The following reasons why they play and why they quit, are crucial for adults involved youth sports, including parents, coaches, directors and board members.





Why they play - The most widely cited study of why kids play sports was produced in 1992 by the Carnegie Council on Adolescent Development. Although the study results are now more than 17 years old, they still ring true. The top reasons cited include:

• To have fun


• To do something I am good at


• To stay in shape


• To learn or improve skills


• To play as part of a team

A desire to win and compete was 8th on the list (higher for boys, lower for girls). Girls were more likely to name social reasons as motivating factors.

Why they quit - The same Carnegie Council study also cited reasons why youth quit organized sports. The top reasons include:

• Lack of interest in the sport


• No longer fun


• Coach plays favorites / was a poor teacher


• Wanting to participate in other activities


• Diminished opportunities

Why it matters - The research on why kids play and why they quit is important for everyone involved in youth sports.

• For children and youth, the good news is that most have an opportunity to participate in youth sports during their pre-teen years. The bad news is that many drop out at or around age 13, a time in their lives when many might need a youth sports team the most.


• For parents, this research shows that some kids are simply ready to move on to another positive activity in their life. This is not a bad thing, and can often be a good thing. On the other hand, there are many kids who drop out of sports due to poor coaching, too much pressure, or lack of opportunities to play. This should be a concern to everyone involved, including adults involved in school- and community based programs.


• For school and community-based sports program coaches, directors and board members, the results are a mixed bag. On the one hand, million of adults are investing time to give children and youth in the tens of millions an opportunity to have some fun, make some friends and learn some positive life lessons through sports. This is a great thing. On the other hand, we do have youth leaving sports due to lack of competent coaching, too much pressure from adults, or both. This is an issue which can be improved on if adults are willing to invest a little time in learning how to promote positive youth development through sports. Unfortunately, not enough individuals and programs are willing to do this, and the problem persists.


• For everyone involved, we need to decide how we feel about millions of kids leaving youth sports during their early teen years for lack of continuing opportunities to play. These are the years in which many at risk youth are most in need of the structure and social network provided by a positively coached youth sports team. Yet this is the time when those without top-level talent are cut from high school teams and competitive club teams. Are we comfortable with this, or should we be working together to create more opportunities for sports outside of elite teams?

Editor’s Note: Thank you to Elevating Athletes for this article.

Debunking Sports Psychology Myths

Is your player afraid other athletes will see them as weak if they take part in mental training or work with a sports psychologist? Many athletes buy into myths about sports psychology and this prevents them from embracing the benefits of mental training. In the following article Dr. Patrick Cohn debunks the myths associated with sports psychology.





I recently received this email from a young hockey player getting ready for try-outs: “I have friends who perform better than me and they don’t read any mental training books. Every time I open my mental training book I feel no motivation to read because better athletes don’t do anything to mentally prepare themselves. I feel that I’m weak by being the only guy going to try-outs that reads mental training books. I have only heard of a few great athletes who take part in mental preparation.”

When I receive these emails, I am surprised that people still view mental training or sports psychology as a weakness and thus think they are inferior because they need this type of training. Unfortunately, a few athletes still buy into myths about sports psychology and thus shy away. This is an interesting and misguided perception about the value of sports psychology.

One of the hallmarks of great athletes is their interest in improving themselves. That doesn’t just apply to their physical skills; it applies to their mental game, as well. There is nothing weak, wimpy or sissy-like about being willing and eager to improve oneself and one’s performance.

I do think that some athletes are naturally more talented than others and confidence comes easily for them. Other athletes have to work harder in sports to keep up and they might not develop the self-assurance they need to be fully confident. In any case, athletes at all levels are using mental training and sports psychology to become better competitors–no matter if they are in a slump or trying to keep a winning streak alive.

I also know that athletes in some sports embrace sports psychology more than others. In golf, tennis, and baseball, for example, athletes accept mental training as another type of performance enhancement. In addition, many professional athletes attribute their success to mental toughness including golfer Tiger Woods, NASCAR driver Jeff Burton, and basketball player Michael Jordan. Soccer player Mia Hamm also once said, “The most important attribute a soccer player must have is mental toughness. Before you can win, you must have the will to prepare to win.”

If  your athlete worries that others think mental training makes them weak, or what others think about their game, they are great candidates for mental training! With mental training, players can learn to “tune out” worries about what others think and focus on what’s most important—playing the game and performing their best.

Athletes are more likely to embrace mental training when they understand it and its’ benefits. However, the best way for athletes to buy into mental training is when they actually experience its’ power firsthand. Sports psychology or mental training helps athletes perform more consistently, find the zone more often, keep a winning streak alive and learn how to think well under pressure.

Editor’s Note: Thank you to Dr. Patrick Cohn for this great advice.

Tips for Building Motivation and Drive

Keeping a child athlete motivated works best using a dual pronged approach with encouragement from both parents and coaches. The following article is an excerpt from an interview between Executive Editor, TK Stohlman and Jim Johnson, founder and director of flexxCoach. The two discuss how to help  players find this drive and motivation and grow as athletes and individuals.





Stohlman: What are some key ways parents and coaches can instill a drive and motivation in their players?

Johnson: This is a good question and something that is very much a passion of mine. I think it is really vital that parents and coaches communicate. This is especially important at the youth level because there are a lot of things parents know about their player that can help the coach understand and develop skills. To foster communication, first, encourage your son or daughter to be on time and mentally and physically prepared for every practice and game. This is one area that parents can really give their son or daughter more attention. Another important aspect is to have a great attitude, be excited, and have passion. This means encouraging the child to go out and be the best that he or she can be for that day. I tell my players the most important thing is to come with a passion, enthusiasm and excitement and try to make themselves a better player today than they were yesterday. If a player comes with work ethic and determination at practice, I guarantee you by the end of the year, end of the month or even end of the week, they are going to be a better player than they were in the beginning. To me that is what it is all about - showing kids what hard work and determination can accomplish.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Jim Johnson for this valuable advice.

Read This to Build Your Player’s Self Confidence

Being involved in youth sports is a wonderful way to create and grow self-confidence in your child. The following article is an excerpt from an interview between Executive Editor, TK Stohlman and Dr. Darrell Burnett, a Clinical Child Psychologist and Certified Sports Psychologist. Dr. Burnett provides some excellent advice for building self confidence in your player.

TK: Darrell you’ve spoken to thousands of youth sports families across the world. From your experience how can parents create a sense of confidence in their young athlete?

Darrell: That is a great question. I think this starts by developing confidence in the kid regardless of the application. This can be sports, academics or whatever is a challenge. When I think of self-confidence and kids in sports there are two things you have to look at. One is the motivation factor. Namely, the way a kid is motivated to participate in sports. There are two ways that individuals are motivated in sports. One is an ego, “me me me” kind of motivation. This is where a player thinks “I am as good as the opponent that I defeat. Every time I lose, I’m a loser.” With that kind of motivation, the player can start to lose confidence because there is normally somebody, or some team that is better. Typically, when kids start in youth sports there are no confidence issues. They are all out there having fun. As kids get older they start to compare and think “I’m not as fast as Johnny.” Or “I can’t throw the ball as good as Carlos.” With this mentality, if they don’t get the starting position or they lose a game it really affects their  self-confidence.

The second area of motivation takes place in what we call task mastery. In this scenario, the player is thinking he is as good as his skills. This allows him to keep developing regardless of the outcome of the event. It doesn’t matter if they win or lose, they are working on skills. With this type of motivation the player focuses on improvement. This is an excellent way to boost self-confidence because the player has at least three ways to measure how he’s doing:

• Frequency -Doing good stuff more often


• Duration - How long something lasts


• Intensity - How much energy you’re putting into it

If you want to develop your child’s confidence take a look at the motivation. How do you get a kid to think task mastery rather than the ego scenario? Many times, that comes from mom and dad.  If parents put the emphasis on skills and not on the end product, the player is more likely to focus on working on his skills.

Another aspect that affects a player’s self-confidence is self identification or self worth. This means a player feels worthwhile as a person without any additional trappings. If self-worth is based upon trappings such as talent, age or looks, when something goes wrong, self-confidence starts to fall apart. When it comes to sports, if a player sees themselves as a kid who happens to be an athlete, as opposed to an athlete who happens to be a kid, whatever happens in the sport, it will not destroy the player as a person. However, if the player’s only self view is as an athlete, then anything that happens in the athletic arena takes on a huge amount of importance regarding who they are as a person. So, where does this come from? Generally it is a reflection of how the kid is related to by their parents. If parents treat the player as a kid who happens to be an athlete, then there is a good chance the child will view himself that way.

In essence, there are two things to remember when developing self-confidence in your player. First, work with them on their motivation so that they are working on skills rather than who they are beating, and second, make sure you relate to your child as a kid first and athlete second.

Editor’s Note: Thank you to Darrell Burnett for this excellent advice.

How to Deal with Nerves in Youth Sports

If sports make your child so nervous that they get headaches, become nauseated or can’t concentrate on other things, there is a good chance they are experiencing symptoms of unhealthy and potentially chronic stress. It is important that they do not keep such stress bottled up because suppressing emotions might mean bigger health troubles later on.



Have your player talk about their concerns with a friend. Simply sharing feelings can ease anxiety. Sometimes it may help your child to get another perspective - someone who has dealt with stress over and over like a coach or fitness instructor. Here are some other things to help cope with stress:

• Help your player eat well and get a good night’s sleep, especially before games where the pressure is on.


• Have your child learn and practice relaxation techniques.


• Encourage your player to get some type of physical activity other than the sport they are involved in.


• Reassure your child that everyone flubs a shot or messes up from time to time. Remind them about all their great shots, and move on.

It’s possible that some anxiety stems only from uncertainty. Encourage your child to meet privately with the coach or instructor. Have them ask for clarification if the coach’s expectations seem vague or inconsistent. Although most instructors do a good job of fostering an athlete’s physical and mental development, they may still need to open the lines of communication.

If your family feels completely over-scheduled and out of control, review the options on what you can let go. As a last resort, if your child is no longer enjoying a sport, it may be time to find one that is less stressful. Chronic stress isn’t fun - and fun is what sports are all about.

Editor’s Note: Thank you to Kid’s Health for this article.

How to Help Your Child Become a Lifelong Athlete

Parenting a youth athlete is full of pitfalls and pleasures.  Parents need to walk the fine line between encouragement and pressure.  Without proper parental discretion, too many children will quit sports before they reach their full potential. The following article is an excerpt of an interview Executive Editor TK Stohlman conducted with the author of “Just Let the Kids Play,” youth sports expert and former NBA player, Bob Bigelow.



Stohlman: I recently read in a Michigan State study that 70 percent of children quit youth sports by age 13.  Is that true?

Bigelow: Yes. The largest age group playing an organized sport in the United States, are ten years olds.  But by thirteen years old, seventy percent of them have left.  Thirteen is roughly seventh or eighth grade.  I have sat in middle school auditoriums and out looked at a bunch of  kids and I saw six foot girls and four foot boys side by side.  It makes me wonder about their sport experiences.  Who has been coaching them?  Have they already been told that they are not an athlete?  Sometimes it makes me cringe.  Especially since  the person who told them they weren’t going to be an athlete is often a butcher, baker or candlestick maker.  They were probably a volunteer and probably a pretty nice person, but they got caught up in winning because that’s what the system demands.

Stohlman: Okay, so if those are the stats, Bob, looking at travel, select and again looking at the drop-out rate, what are some solutions?  What are some ways to help kids continue to play and have successful seasons?  What are some tips for parents who want to see their kids play through high school and continue to play even as adults?

Bigelow: Without getting into magic formulas, and there are not any, all politics are local in this country and nothing is more political than  youth sports.  When you are dealing with sports and kids, you are dealing with human emotions, as well as the child’s satisfaction and elevation within the whole sphere of the sports world in a given community.  So, I tell parents, at the younger ages when kids are joining, if you want to shape this, reshape it or tweak it you have got to get on the boards and attend the meetings just like you would for school committees and boards.  You have got to have a voice.

I live in a community in suburban Boston, and I have been on the youth basketball board now for 25 years.  I know exactly how it works, but for the first ten years I was pretty clueless.  After ten years I reshaped the program to fit the philosophy that I now share with the rest of the world.  But to be honest, there are too many closed youth sports shops in this country.  Mostly men who have been around too long and use the program as their own little play toy.  I know it  can be very difficult sometimes to bang on the door and say, “Let me in, I’ve got ideas, maybe even different ideas than you guys.”

Stohlman: So, your advice is to get on the board…

Bigelow: Get involved.

Stohlman:…become involved with the association and be more or less a change agent.

Bigelow: Yes. You can change from inside with less difficulty.  You can also change it from the outside, but it’s not going to be easy.

Stohlman: So once parents get involved and they join the boards, can you offer certain things for which parents should strive?  I know we’ve discussed playing time before, time on, time off; but are there certain standards that youth sports associations should go by to help kids continue to play?

Bigelow: Yes. You just mentioned the biggie there: playing time.  This is a huge issue.  To me there is no more important issue with a child in sports, because of all the studies done at Michigan State and elsewhere, the number one need for a child in sports is to play.  That is the invaluable truth from ages five to nineteen.  So a good marker, a good determination from the organizational standpoint is, how much are you allowing children to play?

Stohlman: If playing time is the biggest need of a child in sports and we have got parents who are getting involved on the boards, how do they ensure that there are some rules in place?

Bigelow: They have to mandate it.  If you don’t mandate it, too many adults out there who want to win will take over your organization.

Stohlman: And what do they mandate?

Bigelow: You mandate, very simply, the size of your teams and how much playing time everybody must get.  Write it out on paper so if your coaches don’t want to do it, they don’t have to coach.  That is the carrot on the end of a stick for the kids.  There is one truth about kids in sports - they want to play not watch.

Editor’s Note: A special thanks to Bob Bigelow for this interview.

Four Ways to Help Your Child Handle Stressful Situations

Learning a new sport can be a very stressful situation for some kids.  The pressure of meeting new people, learning a new game and having to put all the skills together in a game situation can be overwhelming for a young athlete. The following article provides input on how to help your child deal with stress during youth sports activities.



How Can Stress Affect Performance? Stress is a feeling that’s created when we react to particular events. It’s the body’s way of rising to a challenge and preparing to meet a tough situation with focus, strength, stamina, and heightened alertness. A little stress or the right kind of positive stress can help keep you on your toes, ready to rise to a challenge.

The events that provoke stress are called stressors, and they cover a whole range of situations - everything from outright danger to stepping up to take the foul shot that could win the game. Stress can also be a response to change or anticipation of something that’s about to happen - good or bad. People can feel stress over positive challenges, like making the varsity team, as well as negative ones.

Distress is a bad type of stress that arises when you must adapt to too many negative demands. Suppose you had a fight with a close friend last night, you forgot your homework this morning and you’re playing in a tennis match this afternoon. You try to get psyched for the game but can’t. You’ve hit stress overload! Continuous struggling with too much stress can exhaust your energy and drive.

Eustress is the good type of stress that stems from the challenge of taking part in something that you enjoy but have to work hard for. Eustress pumps you up, providing a healthy spark for any task you undertake.

What Can I Do to Ease Pressure? When the demands of competition start to get to you, try these relaxation techniques:

• Deep breathing: Find a quiet place to sit down. Inhale slowly through your nose, drawing air deep into your lungs. Hold your breath for about 5 seconds, then release it slowly. Repeat the exercise five times.


• Muscle relaxation: Contract (flex) a group of muscles tightly. Keep them tensed for about 5 seconds, then release. Repeat the exercise five times, selecting different muscle groups.


• Visualization: Close your eyes and picture a peaceful place or an event from your past. Recall the beautiful sights and the happy sounds. Imagine stress flowing away from your body. You can also visualize success. People who advise competitive players often recommend that they imagine themselves completing a pass, making a shot, or scoring a goal over and over. Then on game day, you can recall your stored images to help calm nerves and boost self-confidence.


• Mindfulness: Watch out for negative thoughts. Whether you’re preparing for a competition or coping with a defeat, repeat to yourself: “I learn from my mistakes!” “I’m in control of my feelings!” “I can make this goal!”

Editor’s Note: Thank you to Kid’s Health for this article.

Ten Ways to Improve Your Player’s Mental Strength

Keeping players mentally strong is half the battle in growing a strong and positive athlete.  The following article provides ten useful tips to help them grow mentally tough and improve overall performance.

Sport psychology is a growing field, and there are many mental performance skills described in books, videos and seminars.  Here are ten that can help an athlete stay focused and breakthrough performance anxiety.

1. Breathe - Before a performance, slow, deep breathing helps an athlete relax and focus on the performance at hand.  During a performance, a slow deep breath can help an athlete put a mistake behind them and refocus on the moment.


2. Relax - Progressive relaxation can be used to ease tension and get muscles ready for performance.  Progressive relation simply involves contracting and then relaxing each muscle group from the toes, feet, ankles, calves, hamstrings, quadriceps, stomach, lower back, upper back, chest, fingers, hands, wrists, arms, shoulders, and neck.  These exercises can be done before a practice/game, or while sitting on the bench waiting to enter a game.


3. Visualize - Studies show that athletes can benefit from visualizing themselves completing individual skills, team strategies, or both.  Sometimes visualization is easier after the athlete has done their breathing and relaxation exercises.  The mental pictures should be highly detailed, and always result in successful completion of the play.  If the athlete needs help with this, a coach or parent can act as a “visualization guide,” suggesting things to focus on.


4. Eliminate distractions or “uncontrollables” - Some athletes are easily distracted by uncontrollable factors such as crowd noise, an unfamiliar playing field or gym, or other factors.  For these athletes, it can be helpful to name those distractions beforehand, and label them as uncontrollable will not interfere with performance.


5. Focus on the process - Some athletes can become anxious by thinking too much about the outcome of their play.  For example, instead of thinking about the implications of striking out, an athlete should think about keeping an eye on the ball and taking a level swing.  The trick is to avoid being too mechanical.  The athlete should focus on achieving a swing that “feels right” rather than an A-B-C-D sequence of mechanical movements.  In other words, focus on “feeling the groove” rather than every mechanical element.


6. Physically rehearse - For some athletes it is helpful to physically rehearse a skill just before performing.  This can be done before the game, or in some sports, during the game.  Common examples include the baseball batter taking practice swings in the on-deck circle, a golfer practicing a swing before teeing off, or a basketball player practicing a shooting stroke before shooting a free throw.  Physical rehearsal reminds the athlete to complete the skill properly, and assures that the muscles are ready to perform. Then the athlete can relax enough to “feel the groove.”


7. Stay in the moment - One of the most common mental mistakes made by athletes at all levels is to focus on the last play rather than the next play.  They worry about missing the last shot instead of making the next play, and this shakes their confidence.  Athletes can overcome this mistake by reminding themselves to “stay in the moment.”  The last play is gone forever; all that matters is the next play.


8. Practice positive self-talk - Negative self talk — or “stinkin’ thinkin’” — has been the downfall of many a fine athlete.  Athletes can combat this tendency by proactively replacing negative talk with positive talk.  This means replacing “I can’t believe I dropped that last ball” with “I’ve caught a thousand balls before this, and I will catch the next one too.”


9. Practice positive body language - In addition to positive self talk, doing something physically positive like bouncing on toes, stretching, or clapping hands can help restore positive emotions.  One of the most powerful forms of body language is to simply stand tall with shoulders back, chin up, and hands on hips. Suggest this stance to a struggling athlete and notice what a difference it makes.


10. Trust yourself and let it happen - During competition, the key to mental performance is self trust.  If the athlete has done the work in practice, the mind and body should go into autopilot and play on instinct. The athlete should simply get involved in the flow of the game, and let the mind and body do the rest without over-thinking.  This is how the great performers deliver day after day.  We can help our athletes tremendously by reminding them to ‘trust yourself and let it happen.’

Editor’s Note: Thank you to Elevating Athletes for this article.

Player Growth is All in the Details

Despite the saying “don’t sweat the small stuff,” to truly excel as a player, it is crucial to work on the little details of the game. The following article talks about the little details that help young athletes grow into better players.

Players don’t just get better. They get better at many small things that add up to an overall better player. For example, passing requires getting better at things like vision, timing, balance, speed and decision making. If players improve in all of these areas, then they become better passers.

For players, it is important to understand how very basic things contribute to their performance in a game. From this understanding, players can start working backward to identify and correct the details that lead to overall improvement. Coaches often ask players to do drills or exercises that may seem irrelevant but may focus on one of the many details players need for improvement.

John Wooden, a former NCAA college coach who won 10 championships in 12 years, put it best in his book “When you see a successful individual, a champion, a ‘winner,’ you can be sure that you are looking at an individual who pays great attention to the perfection of minor details.”

Editor’s Note: A special thanks to Sports Esteem for the following information.

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